Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
