Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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