I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
