So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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