I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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