The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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