Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
