I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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