So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
