There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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