My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
