I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
