It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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