i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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