this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
