spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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