o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
