So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I AM VODKA MAN
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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