just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i love accidental penises.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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