You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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