Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
