I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
