The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
