google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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