How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
