last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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