i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
