Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Randomize
