just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
