I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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