I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
