walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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