I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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