she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
