I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize