Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
