If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
40s are totally the cure
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
