my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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