my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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