Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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