last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize