I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
