I puked a lego.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
