i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
