you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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