I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
