Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
We're too hungover to prance.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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