I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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