Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
