there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
