why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
