I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
me + whiskey = a bad person
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
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