I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize