Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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