she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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