I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
