my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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