I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
