you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
