I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
