help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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